I get really frustrated by distracted conversations. I hang up on people now if they are doing other things when I’m talking to them on the phone. I commit to giving 100% undivided attention and I ask for that back. I’m getting more jaded with that type of stuff because it’s getting worse.
I want every single person who I talk to, to feel that I have given them my absolute deepest attention. That’s my gift to them for that day.
One day I was in a department store, it was late in the day. I went to the counter:
I asked the lady ‘how’s your day going?’
‘Yes good, what can I get you?’ she said, looking a little curiously at me.
I ordered some food, I was polite, I smiled and I answered her questions with a ‘yes please’. The lady stopped, looked me in the eye and said ‘I can’t remember the last time someone said please. It’s a gimme this, gimme that, way of life now’. She smiled and thanked me for being the last customer of her day, and the best customer of her day.
Then I went to another store and I was served by an older, Indian lady. I said, ‘you look a little tired, have you had a long day?’ She stopped and burst into tears. She said ‘it’s nothing to do with you I have had a hard day and it was nice to see someone noticed. It’s taken a stranger to ask me if I’m OK’.
It’s ALL about communication – I’ve experienced it for years where people are craving someone to connect more deeply, to acknowledge them, and ask if they are OK, and mean it. This is what’s getting worse – we’re not asking the more meaningful things.
I had an office in town here in Cairns about 10-15 years ago. I’d be at work at 6am and the coffee shop opened at the same time across the street. I’d be waiting at the door for my morning fix and the same man served me day after day. As soon as the door opened, I would let out a big ‘Hey Michael, how’s it going, what’s happening in your world today.’ I could feel the animosity, he just hated me. But I needed my coffee…there was no-one else open that time in the morning. I’d be the first customer in each day – poor bastard.
A few months later, he came to my office and asked to see me. My receptionist said, ‘Michael is here from the coffee shop.’ I thought oh-oh has he brought a shot gun, is he going to shoot me? It could have gone either way. I said ‘sure, bring him through, just frisk him first’.
Michael told me he’d resigned that day and he was going back to university. I jokingly said ‘I wondered how long before I’d drive you out’. He said ‘I’m not sure if you realised this but when you first started coming into the coffee shop I hated you; I never hated anyone as much as I hated you. I dreaded seeing your big, goofy smile outside every morning at 6 o’clock’.
I thought, ‘oh this is going well’.
He continued, ‘but what you didn’t know was that my life was bad at the time, I was stealing, taking drugs, I had a terrible relationship with my girlfriend. But every day you came in, pushed me to talk, asked me a question, and you made me think.
He said something strange happened. After about a month, he started asking other customers things like: ‘What’s news in your world, how are you doing today?’
After 6-7 months pretty much everything changed. He started getting his self-esteem back and was at the stage where he wanted to improve his life.
It wasn’t a big part of my day – he was miserable and it was a bit of a game for me. I thought, I’m going to turn him around.
It was intriguing to have someone say how profound an effect I had on them, without me even realising it. People actually want to have that deeper conversation and connection. They want to feel that someone is interested in them and their life. I know that sounds like a cliché.
I’ve got to say, I love it; I love what I get back from it.
Making their day makes my day. The Indian lady who burst into tears – I gave her a hug, she was sobbing and there was no one else around. She was vulnerable and alone. I don’t know what was wrong, it didn’t matter, she just needed another human.
There’s also an awkwardness with being like that. You get in a lift, no-one talks. But I can start with a stranger and get to a level of meaningfulness within a minute or so. I’m like a Labrador, I go up and wag my tail. And I’m cute, right, how could you not fall in love with a Labrador.
For me it’s really important – although – some might say it’s a bit kumbaya. I want everyone to leave an encounter with me feeling better – not for me but for them – I don’t really know why that’s kumbaya – I value it incredibly highly…
I feel this sense of responsibility with who I am now as a leader. I need to do more ‘work on it’ to describe it and what it means. I need to write about it – to explain it to others to take it to the next level. Even if I do believe in it, I still have to be able to communicate around it properly.
I’m entering my 50s and for the first time I feel wise. It’s a nice feeling because it keeps my ego in check; I’m drawing more now on my experience, I’m less concerned about what others think, and more concerned with getting more to the core of things.
My wisdom tells me I know what I need to do.
Andrew Griffiths is a small business author, entrepreneur, mentor and global presenter:www.andrewgriffiths.com.au
— with Andrew Griffiths.