The difference between EMPATHY and SYMPATHY

For some people empathy and sympathy are the same. But it does not matter what we call it, because this is not about the meaning of words. There is a distinction to be understood between two quite different ways of seeing people.

The empathy is part of the 2 spectacular keys for a healthy relationship that we have presented in a previous article: „listening with empathy” and „speaking with assertiveness”.

In one of the articles devoted to improving communication I presented three practical examples that can be used to practice the “listening with empathy.”

In this article I present another practical example which will show the difference between empathy and sympathy in communication.

Imagine someone comes to you and says:

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t cope with this. It’s getting me down.”

If you were their parent or their manager, which of the following two responses would you prefer to make?

A: Oh, you poor thing. It’s obviously too much for you. Let me help. I’ll see if I can find a way to relieve you of the problem.

B: You seem very worried. Let’s look together at exactly what the difficulty is. Perhaps I can help you discover how you can get on top of it.

Both responses show compassion and a wish to be helpful, but there is a big difference.

Response A is sorry for people and tries to rescue them. This is what we call sympathy.

Response B is what we call empathy. It sees the best in people – their potential – and wants to help them see it in themselves. It helps them face their difficulties. It aims to develop their self-confidence, determination and sense of responsibility.

People learn important lessons about themselves from our responses to them, because how we see them – though we may not realize it – is how we are teaching them to see themselves. The trouble with sympathy is it encourages people to be sorry for themselves:

“Ah, poor me. If only this hadn’t happened to me.”

It teaches them to see themselves as victims. It encourages them in a belief full of fear:

“I’m not the sort of person who can cope when this sort of thing happens to me”.

And this of course is a self- fulfilling prophecy.

Empathy on the other hand teaches something quite different:

“I’ll find a way to manage this difficulty because that’s the sort of person I am. Let me see what valuable lesson for life I can learn from this experience?”

This too is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Common mental habits that get in the way of empathy

Connecting well with others is not easy. There may be obstacles – common mental habits that get in the way. The trouble with habits we are unaware of is they exert hidden power over us. The first step in overcoming them is becoming aware of them.

Which of the following habits are you aware of in yourself?

1. The belief that since you are not much good at empathy there’s no point in really trying

This belief is obviously another self-fulfilling prophecy. How about simply laying it aside? You will find the practice of empathy very rewarding.

2. Preoccupation with one’s own thoughts

 Some people only understand others whose thoughts coincide with their own. They have yet to learn that they are perfectly free to flick the switch – lay aside their own thoughts and focus completely on someone else’s.

3. The spectacles through which we see another person are rarely pure and clear

They are very often tinted or contaminated by our own opinions and prejudices. Usually we are oblivious of this and assume that people really are as we think we see them.

The thought that perhaps they are not, and that the image we have of them is not really them at all but an interpretation of them, a picture painted by us, may be unwelcome. But we all have this tendency, and it helps if we are aware of it.

4. A sense of similarity with the person one is listening to or with what they are talking about.

It is very easy to make assumptions. One is that the problem one is listening to is similar to a problem of one’s own. Instead of listening with an open mind, one listens selectively for evidence to support the assumption that the problem is similar to one’s own and that one’s own solution will be useful to the other person – but it rarely is.

5. Solutionitis.

Some people are so keen to offer a solution that they jump prematurely to the wrong conclusion about what the other person’s problem is. Instead of keeping an open mind they try to make the problem fit the solution they already have in mind.

6. Fear of hearing a problem to which one does not know the answer

Some people believe that if they cannot produce an answer they are, or are seen to be, failing to live up to expectations. The result can be that they try to relate everything they hear to the things to which they already know the answers. They are afraid to hear anything else.

7. Discomfort in talking about feelings.

Some people are not used to talking about feelings, are uncomfortable about it, and rarely do it. Perhaps they are assuming others will be embarrassed, but actually people normally find talking about feelings a relief.

8. Lack of awareness of feelings.

Some people have trained themselves to avoid thinking about feelings. They have a strong drive to be rational and logical, and have believed that emotion clouds logic. This is a mistake. It is suppression of emotion that clouds logic. But the result of this belief is that they are out of practice at recognizing feelings, not just their own, but other people’s too.

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Legal Sciences Master, Critical Thinking Specialist and Professional Internet Marketer
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